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{Little.Mama.Show.You.How.To.Move.It}

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im back! [15 Jan 2008|05:23am]
so ive decided that im going to write in here again. i have complete privacy of writing what i need to in here. no one really uses this anymore. but thats fine w/me cause that means more venting!
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

my update [21 Sep 2005|07:56pm]
hey guys, well things have been still up and down, but alot better. I'm getting on with my life, worrying about myself and my needs for awhile. My grandmas well she is back in the hospital again not doing so well. so my parents are going back for 4 days. nice, means i have the house to myself, and im gunna do a little drinking. Things with rob, alright, i miss him, but i think i miss just seeing him, he made me happy, i miss just hanging out with him on our "good" days. haha. staying single tho for awhile, i feel alot better just being myself again. it feels good. back to being the cute sarcastic bitch, haha better than being all depressed feeling. Going to school in janurary, starting to apply to colleges. I am putting on in at ECC north for nursing, i think that would be a good field to go into.If not, than its off to pittsburg for college for vet tech cause i cant find any school around here with that major. grrr makes me mad.other than that, working and sleeping all the time, hope all is well with everyone else, write more soon. love u all bye
1 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[17 Aug 2005|07:15pm]
my grandma we found out has colon cancer and a milicent "cancerous" tumor on her neck. my dad is very sick again. so all and all, the trail of horrible events continues on in my life. yay for me! anyone wanna take my place for awhile? i dunno, im trying to stay strong, but sometimes id just rather pick up a 18 pack of beer and just get drunk for the night. it would be nice. thats my update.
1 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

update [04 Aug 2005|07:48pm]
rob cheated on me, he was still with kim, when i was dating him. a whole year, hes an asshole. said he wasnt with her all last summer, but like i believe a word out of his mouth, ya right fucker. blah, been kinda depressed. my parents are splitting, and it happened all in the same week, fuckin awesome right? im okay when im around my friends, im back to the person i use to be before i met rob. dont really give a shit and a total smartass. but its fine dont want a relationship for awhile, pretty much hate life right now. i dunno what to do about rob, im fine sometimes, like when im sleeping or out with friends, or just out of the blue. but its like i still have a lot of feelings for him, i love him, he was the first guy i ever had a serious relationship with and told i love u to. and than i get fucked over. i just wish that the feelings would go away, but its really hard. i feel so scummy knowning he was fucking around with his "supposed" ex when he was with me too. gross. im just going to pick up and have fun, get things done that i couldnt when i was with rob, and have a good time. i just hope he realizes what he's done was completely wrong. and he feels like shit, and i hope kim isnt stupid enough to go back to him. cuz she for warned me and i already know how he is,im done with him. shes stupid enough she keeps taking him back becuz shes been with him for 5 1/2 years. dumbass.

im out i just figured id explain the wonderful life ive been having. back to being depressed i go.
4 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[20 Jul 2005|08:01am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Well I guess I should update.....

This is not going to be a very positive update. Things are shitty lately, I find myself not having one day to be stress free now a days. I'm really hurt inside and things arent going the way I want them to be anymore. I hate everything, and I swear if it was legal to kill people, I'd have a gun at hand 24/7. I'm not happy anymore, and when people think I am, I'm really not, I'm faking happiness, I really dont know what real happiness is anymore. In fact, all the things I thought I was sure about, I'm just not to sure about anymore.

I'm trying to get my feelings to go away for him, and they wont. I can't sleep, I won't move I'll just sleep, some days I won't eat. I try to go out to get my mind of crap, I don't. I even fake my happiness around friends, because I don't want them to know how much its bothering me. Even when he calls, I feel like breaking down sometime it feels like love was made just to feel hurt. Now I can understand why I was the way I was a long time ago, I was keeping myself from hurt, never wanted to experience it, I wanted to be the one to hurt. Now I feel it, and I feel like I'm not even alive anymore, my insides are dead. And he's out not giving a shit about anything. I dunno, I'll get thru it eventually, now I just want to dig myself a hole, and never come out.

My mom took me shopping. Cute outfits. Couldn't figure out why shes been so loving the past few days. She read a note I wrote to "him". Things I really didnt want her to know about. Well she knows, because it was repositioned in the book. Fucking wonderful ! So something I really didnt want my mom knowing because I knew it hurt her. She knows everything. I just hate it, cause she goes are you ok? every minute of the day. telling me shes loves me all the time, just unnatural things that dont come out this much from my mom's mouth. I feel like shit about it, it feels like I disappointed her, I dont like that feeling.

Someone please just shoot me, end the fucking misery. I hate life theres no fucking point to it, its useless.

5 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

How I Think I Feel, Not Sure [07 May 2005|06:58am]
[ mood | confused ]

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

Ive Been So Happy Loving You [19 Apr 2005|02:44am]
My mom is talking about checking out colleges that are away from home. She wasnt going to let me because its more money. And the only reason i had mentioned them at the time was because I wanted to get away from here and everything. And me and rob had broke up and I just wanted to leave. Now she wants to go visit these colleges and is all about it. So theres the choices of New York Institution of Massage and Medaille college locally. But Alfred and another one that I wanted to go to in Pittsburg for vet technician. But I honestly dont think i'll be able to leave home and go to college, i'd miss rob and all my friends and family. And the one in Pittsburg, is a year and 1/2 till I get my degree. I dunno, it kinda freaked me out alot last night when she talked about it. she didnt want me to leave, and now they could care less. And I made all these plans around the fact of staying home and going to college, and now I have more choices and i dunno what to do. Ugh.......i hate having decisions.
1 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

This Is To My Special Someone [11 Apr 2005|10:52pm]
Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave, like the taste of my kiss on your lips,
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

Don't walk away

Touch me now how I wanna feel
Something so real, please remind me
My love, and take me back
Cuz I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing I'm suffocating without you
Do u feel it too?

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you

When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door,
Its then I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
Cuz I don't wanna be alone

All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you

Cuz I can't fake and I can't hate
But it's my heart
Thats about to break
You're all I need
I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed
Would you listen please
I give in
I breathe out
I want you, theres no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out
Without you, I'm without
I'm crossed out
I can't doubt
I cry out
I reach out
Don't walk away
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[19 Feb 2005|10:57am]
*If every word I said
Could make you laugh
I’d talk forever (together my love)
I ask the sky just what we had
Mmm it shone forever
If the song I sing to you
Could fill your heart with joy
I’d sing forever
Forever
Forever
I’ve been so happy loving you* - I want this to be my wedding song, its so adorable.

Blah. I've been working way to much lately. We are loosing one person after another. Ugh, but its nice because its more money for me and my bday next weekend. By monday morning,ill have 39hrs for the week, that will be a hefty paycheck, thank god. So i've been in a pretty good mood this week, but I can't figure out why. Maybe because I've been working so much, I havent had the time to get stressed out, or want to have meaningless fights with anyone. I think i'm just finally back to myself again, it feels to be nice again but joke around at the same time. Cause i'm actually getting along with people, but some of it is really hard because its a change that will take time to get use to. Like I find myself getting along with people more at work and stuff, and things are great. You know a part of me knows I still have some growing up to do, but another part knows I've grown in a way, I think I'm satisfied with the way I am finally. I guess it takes hearing about other people I know still being a fat pigged slut or the same usual old friends who started drama in highschool still acting like their there and causing drama. I'm glad I experienced what I did with Rob, he was absolutely the most amazing bf. He showed me things I never really got to experience with any other guy, and I'm glad it happened. Ew dave and all those other guys were icky. Dave especially, like he took care of me and always made sure I had cigarettes and a full tank of gas when I dated him and had no job. But now that I know he truely wasnt that great of a guy, I feel like an idiot for dating him. I took care of him when he cut open his hand, drove him around everywhere, picked him up. but i do have to admit he took equal care of me, when i got sick the one night I slept at his house, he made me food that nikki gave me cuz i wasnt living at home. And he fed it to me, it was adorable, little things were adorable about him. But he's just all together a belligerent scumbag asshole, nice body tho, but its okay I'm glad I made alot of mistakes and dated many wrong guys. Learned many valuable lessons and got over the trama from Dave,which I never thought I could do,and ended up meeting the best thing to walk in my life, Rob.

You know what I'm really glad I've made the mistakes I have tho, because I grew into a person with more knowledge and understanding as to what seems acceptable and whats not,and matured in certain ways. I'm totally giving my opinion about things right now, which i don't care who offends, but I've been holding it in since highschool, and these certain people need to hear it finally.

Jamie, first off, grow up and dont tell me i'm the one who needs to, it won't work anymore. Your starting useless drama, because nicole's happy with mike, going to school, and leading a normal life, your angry at her because she can't make time for you well boo hoo. Not everything has to be about you all the time, but thats how its always been. You can't have a fully normal life unless u make time for jamie also. Fuck that. I've always been sick of your shit, especially Ashleys, you 2 love drama, and look your out of high school and your still causing it, not so much ashley anymore, but you do alot of it. Maybe you should start concentrating on your life more and taking care of youself instead of everyone else's, cause you need alot of help. Learn how to grow up, maintain a stable life of living instead of partying and doing drugs all the time, but god knows, you won't be able to do it, you'll never grow up and realize were not in fucking high school anymore,lifes not constant partying every weekend like it use to be, its more so having a full time job, saving money, college, growing up and facing the real world now. Look at why we arent friends anymore? Cause I didn't make enough time for you because I was dating Dave, well thats my fault. but you know what I don't regret it or regret the fact we arent friends anymore, because our friendship was bullshit anyways. U gave me so much shit for being with Dave, when the only thing I really regret was not showing up to Nikki's bday, I felt like shit. And than what do you know, you fucking become buddy buddy with Dave when Ashley is dating him, but you didnt fucking befriend her, when she didnt come around when she started dating him, did you? No,but you bitched about it to everyone because things werent going your way again. Loosing you as a friend, was nothing, it just made me realize you werent a true friend at all, for all the shit you and ashley tried putting me through my senior year, and you caused me alot of damage. But you know what I'm going to thank you, you and ashley, because of you two it made me a stronger person, and I don't put up with any shit anymore. Well your learning how to grow up and realize you were suppose to leave the drama back in high school and grow up, some of us have grown up, matured, and done some major changes in our life. As for you, your still doing your usual partying, complaining, and causing shit for everyone, and pretending like you live this lavish life and everythings perfect. Well let me tell you, its not. I dont care what you say anymore, I don't care if you and ashley still think I'm a slut, cause I'm not, I use to be I know that and I'm not afraid to admit it, but at least I grew up and realized alot of things, and changed who I am, and grew into someone who respects myself and is more responsible with my life than I ever use to be. I quit drinking, I quit drugs, and whats more important now is my life and not being the person I once use to be. Maybe you should try growing up and taking care of who you are, and not getting on everyone else about there life. sorry if you don't like what I've said, but its my opinion and i'm sticking to it!
1 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

*Don't You Tell Me To Deny, I've Done Wrong and I want to suffer for my sins* [10 Feb 2005|08:31am]
[ mood | depressed ]

I don't know how much more I can handle. I can't handle anything right now with my life. From what I've read today in people's journal's, i'm glad I dont have the friends I use to. Cause some of them can't grow up and move on from high school drama. Sometimes its good not having friends, because all girls are caddy and stuck up, in some way. That's why I always had more guy friends, like Nikolai, he's been one of my best friends since 7th grade, and here we are 7 years later, and still the closest of friends, I can talk to him like no other person. I do worry about him, he's in drug rehab, I wish he would just quit or at least learn something from there. He was never like that, I mean he was never into drugs so bad, and than he started taking them hard, and It scares me cause he's like part of my family. I don't want to end up at his funeral because of him doing drugs.

*You'll never touch -- these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown -- to you*

There's alot that has been going on in my life, that I havent even shared with Rob. He doesnt care anyways. I'm scared lately about alot of things, I'm afraid of moving on to anything good. Because every time something good comes into my life, something horrible happens. I hate driving my dad to work, becuz I see him walking in, and it scares me that, that could be the last time I see him. In a way I'm scared of death, but I've also had days I don't wish I was alive anymore. I wish I could start life all over again, I would have done alot of things differently. I know there's alot about me that I'm going to work on. I was so happy when I first met Rob, than shit went bad after awhile, I guess I wasnt full prepared for it, I never thought it would happen. So I tried everything, but I really couldnt full grasp it. And without knowing how to fully grasp something and not lose all of it, I lost it completely.

I seriously hate myself. And I hate the fact of my life right now. I hate that Rob won't be at all there for my feelings and how he's made me feel. I just wish I could do what Rob wants, but I can't cause its not at all what I want. and i'm going to sound selfish, but If thats not what I want he's not going to get my 100% that he wants from me to let go. And the only way it will happen, is if something horrible happens, and not to him, to me. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry I cared so much. I'm sorry that no matter how much u lied and treated me like shit, I stuck in there. I'm sorry I loved you. I'm sorry I asked things from u once in a great while. I'm sorry that I drove out to see you all the time. I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you at your grandma's and wake u up for work. I'm sorry that your family hates me. I'm sorry I couldn't give you my 100% for everything as your girlfriend, or even after not being. I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry that I lost you cause its not what we both wanted. and you know it!

1 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[09 Feb 2005|01:35pm]
I love him. I can't let go. I need intimacy. I need kissing. I need that adorable smile. He means everything to me. I don't want fighting anymore. I don't want to move on. I dont want to love someone else. I want things the way they were. I want us to be together one day again. I miss summer. I miss our memories. I miss his berretta *weirdly* but I do, I grew onto it. Just because we spent so much time in it. I miss holding his hand. I miss kissing him whenever. I miss cuddling with him and him keeping me warm. I miss everything. I dont think I can handle the thought of not having him there completely. He's everything to me. He's all I've ever wanted and more. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am. And how I was everything to him. And how I make him so happy. Does he realize he's irreplacable? He is. I don't want anyone else. I want him. I want to spend my birthday with him. I dont even really care about going out with my friends. I want him go to canada with me, like we planned. but he won't be here. I dont even have him around for Valentines Day. I wish I did, so I could show him how much I love him. I wish I could see him, push him up against my car and kiss him and never stop. I hate love, because now I know what It feels like to be truely in love. It is the best thing ever. But yet the person it happened with, I'm glad it happened with. He's the best thing to ever come into my life. I got to stop, I'm done, I love him i can't help it, and if I want to be intimate with anyone, I want it with him still. He's means the world to me.
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[23 Jan 2005|06:26am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So yeah things have been alot better, I think I'm just getting back to finally being happy again. I got a new cell phone, i love it, but sometimes it makes me mad. grrrr. Work has been wonderful, well sometimes its fun, when im not working with stupid Kim. Hung out with loser amanda on friday night, and went to the rez and bank. It was so much fun, we just laugh over the stupidest shit, but its what makes the time a shit load of fun. Than came home, ended up meeting up with amanda later up at the poolhall, blah that was a 20 minute thingy, because this girl she was with was a bummer. I love amanda shes adorable, and what do u know? i'm working with her tonight! a whole lot of no work getting done, because last sunday we did shit. We sat in the back having cigarette after cigarette cuz were lazy on sunday's. hehe. Ah, work was fun last night with natalie, we just sat around shooting the shit for like a good amount of our shift, i had 4 deep cleans to do, and i just finished the last one on time to finish the rest of my chores.

Blah, my birthday is coming up in almost a month. its scary. not as scary as robs birthday is coming soon after, and he's going to be 21. What a drunk he'll become, than ill not want to be around him. I know I won't, because its going to get annoying hearing about him going out every night, wasting money on getting drunk. Whats the big deal anyways? he's always been allowed to go drinking or drink a few out at dinner with his parents. So than what does he have to look forward to when he's 21? the fact he can buy it himself or sit at a bar. Okay i'm going off on a rampage. He doesnt even look or act like he would be 21. but he's going to be, and its not something I want to think about, because the thought of his birthday pisses me off all together, a whole lot. when he's out getting drunk on his birthday i plan on going out and getting plastered so i'm not thinking about him being out, being at some bar and thinking of the possibilities of what he might be doing, or if he hooked up with someone that night, or if he met some really hot chick.

okay i'm stopping now. no more. thats my update, that started good, and kinda went off the deep end. o well. love u's buhbye!

2 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[02 Jan 2005|10:14am]
Wow so I dunno...yesterday was my first day without drinking since last sunday,it sucked so bad. I hated it more than anything. It's very bad of me that I did that, because now i'm addicted to drinking bacardi razz....just because it helps me to sleep better. Blah things have been all fucked up since my last entry. X-Mas Rob ruined it by telling me he wanted us to stop talking for good and it was this big ol' fight because I went over to Steve's grandma's house. So yeah shit hit the fan, like always. But were okay now, trying the friend thing, AGAIN! Than New Years Eve came along, planned on spending it with my sister. We got like a shit load of food, lol for like the 2 of us, now I feel like a fat ass. But anyways, steve ends up calling me and asking if him and Jeff could stop over for awhile, so yeah they showed up. Jeff was drunk off his ass becuz he drank 1/2 a bottle of bacardi razz vodka to himself. Idiot...hehe. So everything was fine until they started bringing up Rob and shit got said, I got upset like always, they brought Jeff's bottle out, i ended up drinking 3 huge shots larger than a regular shot, ewwy it was gross but I drank it cause i was pissed. Finally, after that and my 6 bacardi's, I mellowed out and had fun by just being myself. Making fun of myself and just relaxing, but of course I was still thinking about Rob, and had alot of shit on my mind. Ekky. Next day, got to talk to Rob and everything got talked about, oh fuckin A boys suck alot, there worse than girls sometimes with DRAMA!

Anyways, i'm getting a new cell phone on Tuesday. Weeeee. I'm excited, even tho I already owe about 1800 in cell phone bills. hehe o well. maybe i finally can get them payed off little by little. Save some money instead of wasting money on my prepaid phone.

Well whatever, thats my fun update, pretty boring i know! buhbyes!
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

Realization [22 Dec 2004|10:38pm]
I'm not scared of change, as far as myself, I'm scared of it as far as everything around me changing,I can't handle that part. Like the littlest change, upsets me, it makes me feel weird and sometimes upset. I dont even want to give my example of the littlest change to me, because I know everyone will think i'm stupid. Plus I feel it today over something, and its like OMG this has got to be the most stupidest feeling Ive ever felt. Its just how I sometimes let the littlest things bug the shit out of me and start a huge commotion. I get very jealous over things also, I hate being me sometimes, I get so theat up with thinking like I do. But I mean at one point I was spoiled always getting what I wanted and getting away with things. Than something happens, no more spoiling, everything changed. But I dealt with it, cause this matter was more serious than worrying about being spoiled. Now I just find myself irratated and jealous at the same time with people I know who seemed spoiled or get what they want all the time. Or maybe sometimes its the fact I wish I could be them right now, and have everything they have. Major jealousy. God being me sometimes just really blows, I want to get the part of my brain that goes into over-drive of thinking taken out just so Id be totally emotionless and wouldn't give a shit.

What the fuck? Ugh. Stupid brains. bye!
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

Imagine There's No Countries,It Isn't Hard To Do,Nothing To Kill Or Die For,No Religion Too [22 Dec 2004|08:11pm]
I dunno....everything seems to be changing, i cannot handle it very well. thats the fault right there. its changing to fast not slow enough, i dont like it. I guess I dont feel like growing up so fast, I wish I could stay young forever. Have fun and never deal with responsibilities. But when I take a good look at the real big picture, it scares me. College, professional jobs, moving out, marriage, kids it all scares me. I keep looking over my life, and its like I hold on to things, that should just be forgotten about. Today I was thinking of how life would take a sudden turn into a new chapter by going away to college in another state. Go somewhere where no one knew me, take the new changed me to a new challenge in life, a new chapter, a totally new beginning. To prove the fact, that everything i've ever held onto, I can easily let go, and start over, and let somethings move on with their lives. Now if it was only that easy, I would do. Would it be hard? yes very hard. but would it help me? yes help me grow up,mature,and become a stronger person than ive made myself into. Go out experience things i've never gotten to really see or realize. Just take the plunge into trying new things, not being scared of life and what it might bring for me. Going with the flow and enjoy life well your still alive, I want to go out and see whats out there, go outside the walls of where I always travel day to day and live my life, and see the joy that lives outside those barriers that surround my everyday life. I always have this reaccuring dream at night, that I leave being this girl unknown about life and whats out there behind these barriers surrounding my life. Being bland and pretty, and to seek more adventure. But when I come back, i'm mature and well understood on life,places, and people who live outside that old everyday schedule and same people. But because of my knowledge growth, its made me into this beautiful woman with more than what she started out with, and happy to know who she really is, what she wants with life, and not scared of one god damn thing the world brings unexpectedly. She stands there waiting and is ready to take the challenge of every new change that comes face to face with her. Now if I could only get myself to that point, I think I would be able to handle everything. But now, I just guess I must take step by step, and things will eventually come together.

You know hurts and I guess I never really admitted to it. The death of my sister Katherine. She died before I was born, but everytime since i've been little, I've often imagined what things were like when she was alive? how things would be now if she was alive? Why couldn't the doctors find what was wrong with her? But I look at her face, she looked just like me when she was little. And people think it might not hurt me as much cause I wasnt around like my older sisters and my parents were when she died. But it hurts me the most, not knowing who she was, being able to live and enjoy the time I spent with her, but mostly it hurts having to go every year at xmas time, sitting there watching my parents putting a wreath on her grave and seeing the hurt in there eyes, of loosing a daughter without ever knowing the reason to their daughters death and me not ever being able to know anything about her. It kills me inside, I know if I ever become a mother and that happened I would be devestated just as much as my mom was. But if katherine was still alive I'd thank her. Because it was because of her being sick that brought my parents together and got my dad to stop drinking and not be a drunk anymore. She brought most of the family back together, and it sucked that it had to happen by her getting sick. I think thats what i've learned the most, i have a family who holds grudges for very long periods, and because of it, our family's grown apart and never learned anything, except how to fail at life.

Sorry. Thinking spree big time tonight. Dunno why, but once im thinking about one thing, my mind goes crazy and i just go on thinking.
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

You'll See, Love Me For Me [18 Dec 2004|05:13am]
I just wish he would realize that in order to stop fighting things need some effort not only from me, but from him. If you know its too hard to let go of me, than if u want to hold on, just work at it, how fucking hard is that? he's just so damn irratating. but I love him. this sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

How I Sort Of Feel Sometimes [18 Dec 2004|05:09am]
"Love Me For Me"

It's been three days
You come around here like you know me
Your stuff at my place
Next thing you know, you'll be using my toothpaste
Step up, sit down
Get ready, let me tell you who's the boss now
Stay here, get out
Everytime i turn around you're in my face

Don't care where you think you've been, and how you're getting over
If you think you've got me down
Just wait it gets much colder

Here I am,
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

Shut up, come back
Know i didn't really mean to say that
I'm mixed up, so what
Yea you want me so you're messed up too
I love you, I hate you
If you only knew what i've been through

My head is spinnin'
But my heart is in the right place
Sometimes it has to have it's self a little earthquake

Here I am,
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me

I've been waiting all my life
To finally find you
Just so i can push you away
And when youre crawlin over broken glass to get to me
That's when i'll let you stay


Oh, here I am
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me
Love me for me

Whoa, here I am
As perfect as i'm ever gonna be
You'll see
Love me for me
Stick around,
I'm not the kinda girl you wanna leave
You'll see
Love me for me
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

*Whenever Ur Ready,I Can Be Urs In A Second Or So.Oh,Baby Come And Get Me,My Heart Is Sittin' On Go* [09 Dec 2004|01:29pm]
You know that feeling after meeting someone you fall for the first time,and the feeling you get when ur going to see them again? its like ur anxious and u get butterflies, but it makes you so incredibly happy and ecstatic about seeing them. Well....i find myself always having that feeling when I get too see Rob. But i also get that feeling of forgetting everything I wanted to say to him, when I see him. Its like when i'm with him I capture the moment and take an impression in my mind. Because one day he could just go away for good, and having those impressions in your mind as memories is alot more meaningful than what you and that person talked about. I'd rather sit there and stare at Rob with a smile remembering every little detail of him. Because I have come to realize not alot of things last forever, people will walk in and out of your life. With Rob, i dont really know if he wants to stay in it or out of it, its confusing. Here's another ordeal......

Some people dont really know what love is. I thought at one time, that i knew what love was, but i was wrong. Love is an endless feeling you feel, love is not some capturing a part of your heart, love is when your entire heart is filled with this feeling of happiness. that if something wrong happens between u and someone you love, and you go 4 weeks with being truely unhappy. That the one you love can come around with that key to your heart,unlock it, and instantly that smile comes upon your face, and it doesnt leave even after they leave you again. I get that feeling everytime with Rob, I could be the biggest pain in the ass for a week or so on. The minute I get to see him, I just instantly smile, and I love spending every moment of being with him. I mean even though seeing him for a short period of time sucks ass, i still enjoy it.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I mean I hate the feeling of not being able to be with him right now. And I hate the feeling of waiting to be with him for a long time. But I also hate the thought of moving on to someone else. I dont want to be with anyone else, so I thought about going away to college to get away from this place for awhile and working on myself. But I know even that would be to hard for me to do. Any way I try at looking at trying to avoid a long wait, I know I couldn't do it. So the only thing I could come up with, is working all day every day, just so I couldn't go out and I'd have nothing to think about. I can pay all my bills off, save up money for an apartment, fix my car little by little, and also go to college.....sounds like a plan. Very boring life, but I guess if someone wants to get over you, I guess you shouldnt just sit there and ponder, i'll just go back to what I was doing when I first met Rob. And i'll finish getting my life on track and worry about myself and my needs for awhile. Its going to be hard, but i got to do something because i know Rob is going to try and forget about me, So I have to do it.

but one thing i have learned from being with Rob, is real love and how it feels. I never felt so happy being with one person like him my entire life. And I also learned that love can do many good things and bring such an intense happiness to you. It brings this feeling that can be felt all over and thru every little vein of your body just knowing your with someone that has shown you real love. And the feeling never leaves you whether ur together or apart, its always there. But the only thing real love doesnt do, is save those 2 people in love from breaking that love apart. Love can only do so much, but it takes the two people who feel it, to use their hearts, follow it, and realize how great of a love they have together.

thats my update.......love you's!
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

[09 Dec 2004|08:48am]




Your Sexual Flavor Is Vanilla


Sweet, simple, uncomplicated

You go with the flow, and go well with any lover.
You're not a prudish lover but an adaptable one.
A blank canvas, you're willing to be painted with any kink.
As long as it's washed down with some sweet whipped cream.

Secret talent: Pole dancing



What's Your Sexual Flavor?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

I Want This For Xmas........Ugh But Too Expensive [03 Dec 2004|04:07pm]
Christmas

its from abercrombie, and its 79.50. ughhhhhh its cute i want it. but its so god damn expensive. lol the funny thing is, is if i had the money id buy it as a xmas gift to myself. hehe....horrible i know!
1 Don't Really Wanna Be A Tease Would You Undo My Zipper Please?

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